|The Bible's Like a Box of Chocolates|
Pandamania" system. You see a child wearing panda ears and you know they're Christian. Forget crosses and forehead smudges, yes, it is now panda ears that mark your children for Christ. Here's the curriculum:
Bible Point: God made you.
Bible Story: God creates the world. (Genesis 1)
Bible Verse: "Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!" (Psalm 139:14)
i.e., Creationism 101. You are complex, therefore Goddidit. Everything else is complex too, uhhhh. Let's sing a song!
Bible Point: God listens to you.
Bible Story: Elijah confronts the prophets of Baal. (1 Kings 18:16-39)
Bible Verse: "You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord." (Psalm 139:4)
i.e., God listens to you say what he pre-ordained you would say. So do you really have to say it? Why does he pre-ordain it anyway? And if blasphemy is a sin, then he knows you're going to say it and doesn't prevent you from saying it so you go to Hell and he has pre-ordained it. uhh.... Let's sing a song and make bamboo crafts!
Bible Point: God watches over you.
Bible Story: Jonah tries to escape from God. (Jonah 1-3)
Bible Verse: "Even in darkness I cannot hide from you." (Psalm 139:12)
Leave your happy bits alone. God can see what you're doing under your sheets. Let's sing a happy song! Wheee
Bible Point: God loves you, no matter what.
Bible Story: Jesus dies and comes back to life. (Luke 23:1-24:12)
Bible Verse: "Lead me along the path of everlasting life." (Psalm 139:24)
So God knew in advance you'd eventually say or think something damnable, then he decided to make his good son suffer in your place. So go ahead and sin all you want because God loves you! Let's sing a happy song and pretend we're hungry pandas in a bamboo forest!
Bible Point: God gives good gifts.
Bible Story: God gives Hannah a baby. (1 Samuel1:1-2:11)
Bible Verse: "You place your hand of blessing on my head." (Psalm 139:5)
Remember, kids... when you grow up you must procreate, and if you put your happy bits together with someone else's happy bits and someone winds up pregnant, you must have that baby even if it's the result of rape or incest, or is deformed or or will force you into poverty or will kill you. Because babies are gifts. God puts babies on your head. uhhh Let's put on panda ears and sing a happy song!
What does a panda have to do with any of this? It's a distraction. It keeps the children from thinking too hard about what they're being told. This quote from a review is very telling:
On our last day, we had a parent come for the first time. She cried during the entire program because of the presence of God's love and the love that was expressed for all the children especially her two daughters. This was truly a God sighting.