Friday, January 31, 2014

I Am Jesus. Ask me Anything.

This week our guest on Ladyatheist.blogspot is Jesus himself! I had an opportunity to sit down with him and ask some of the questions we've all had about him. He offered to answer your questions in the comments, too!

Me: Thank you for taking the time to join us here at Ladyatheist, Mr. Jesus

Jesus: No, L.A., thank you! Remember I have lived for an eternity already and will live for the rest of eternity, so these few minutes with you are *pffth* You're the one frittering away time you'll never get back.

Me: I guess my first question is where did you get those baby blues? Artists for centuries have painted you with blue eyes, and now here you are with blue eyes! According to a recent DNA study, Neanderthals of Europe had blue eyes too. Are you a Neanderthal?

Jesus: hahaha, no, I'm a god-spirit-man, but as people with blue eyes are the most superior of all humans, when I take human form I naturally have blue eyes.

Me: uhhh, so Hitler was right?

Jesus: Gotcha! hahaha! There are no superior humans. You all suck. Read Genesis.

Me: Well, that's good news, I guess.

Jesus: I do however, have a ginormous penis. Don't ask me to prove it. Just take it on faith. [he's winking at me now and doing that little cluck-cluck thing]

Me: I'm not a virgin, so forget about impregnating me.

Jesus: Hey, I'm a chip off the old block. No, wait... I am my old man. Just an old habit, I guess. Next question.

Me: About that trinity thing. How is it being your own father? Do you punish yourself?

Jesus: Still stuck on the penis thing, eh? Some things are better left to the imagination.

Me: Uh, well, I'd rather not...

Jesus: I'm just messing with you. That trinity stuff is baloney. My followers couldn't decide which kind of being I was so they decided I'd be all three.

Me: Well that was hinted at in the Book of John...

Jesus: Ahhhh, my biographies [he snarled his lip while saying this] All biographies are partial truths at best. Believe what you want to believe.

Me: That's one of the things I hope to sort out here. Which gospel gets it right? Was it Mark? the one without a lot of the supernatural stuff? Or one of the other ones that piles it on?

Jesus: Did you like that line about snake-handling? I whispered that into the ear of a copyist just for funsies. I didn't think it would make it into the final version! But it sure does weed out the idiots, doesn't it?

Me: Yeah, that's a good one. Does this mean your apostles didn't really walk on water?

Jesus: [sitting back, picking his teeth] Sandbar.

Me: What about turning water into wine?

Jesus: Secret stash in a cave! Clever, eh?

Me: Loaves and fishes? Curing the blind? Resurrecting Lazarus? Any of it true?

Jesus: Heck no! But you can't get published telling a story about a rabbi who preached about love and forgiveness and then got killed a year into his ministry. That would be dull reading.

Me: So blasting the fig tree. That was fiction too?

Jesus: No, that one I did.

Me: Why?

Jesus: Because I could.

Me: Jesus, sometimes you're a real dick.

Jesus: Yeah, just like my dad!

Me: So what about Paul? Did you really appear to him?

Jesus: I sure did!

Me: Ahhh, so the letters of Paul are...

Jesus: Oh, that's all nonsense. He made it up but I didn't stop him, so I guess you could give me credit. But he ate this weed he found growing next to the road without asking the locals what it was and the next thing you know... *poof* There I am!

Me: So tell me something he got wrong.

Jesus: For one, I didn't tell him to tell people not to get married. I told him not to eat weeds without knowing what they are! That ones' not his fault though. It got lost in translation.

Me: Speaking of translations... Some people say James was your real brother, some say the word "brother" didn't mean blood brother back then.

Jesus: Yep, had real brothers. I don't remember James though. I was the oldest and the little rugrats really got on my nerves.

Me: Speaking of your family, were you really were the product of immaculate conception?

Jesus: Hey, were you at your conception? How would I know?

Me: Well, the books say so...

Jesus: That's because my mom said so, and you don't go against a Jewish mother. What are you a shiksa?

Me: Well, actually...

Jesus: haha gotcha again! I knew that because I know everything!

Me: Since you have all the answers, I'll open the floor to questions from the readers. Anyone?

6 comments:

Infidel753 said...

Jesus: Hey, were you at your conception? How would I know?

If he's the same person as his father, then he was there, but maybe we shouldn't get into that.....

LadyAtheist said...

Good point

Ted Walter said...

Jesus, You know that "all things are possible" thing? How's about shootin' me the numbers the next Saturday's Powerball?

LadyAtheist said...

Sure, Ted. Here they are:

Not-your-number
Not-your-number
Not-your-number
Off-by-one
Not-your-number

ex-minister1 said...

Hey Jesus. Great interview. I never knew you were such a kidder. Your humor doesn't translate well in the gospels. When you said that you were coming back before your generation died, did you say "psyche" under your breath? What other times were you pulling our legs?

LadyAtheist said...

Remember when I said give away all your possessions? I knew you wouldn't do it. Just wanted to guilt ya a bit!