Thursday, April 28, 2011

God Seeks Revenge on Republicans

After punishing Japan for not being Christian, God has turned his wrath to the American South, where his people have been voting for Republicans, often in his name.  Dozens of neighborhoods have been wiped off the map, and hundreds have died.

The following interview explains why:
Interviewer:"Why did you take the lives of so many who were well loved?"
God: "My ways are mysterious."

"What about those who escaped with only minor injuries or were spared altogether?"
"It's a warning.  Stop voting for Republicans, or you're next."

"You sent tornadoes, which could have killed innocent babies and fetuses.  Isn't that unfair?"
*shrug*  "Collateral damage happens."

"What message do you have for those who were severely injured and will go through their lives as amputees or paraplegics?  Should they be grateful to you that they survived, or angry about their life-altering injuries?"
"My ways are mysterious."

"No, seriously.  Half will be grateful and half will be angry.  Who's right?"
"Listen, singling out individuals for retribution is too much like work.  I sent tornadoes, not arrows!  I don't really care one way or another who gets kills, maimed or spared.  It was a message to all of the Republicans."

"That answers my next question: wouldn't some of the victims have been Democrats?"
"Probably.  But they're to blame, too.  Did they volunteer in voter registration drives?  Did they contribute enough money to the campaigns?  Probably not."

"You're not sure?  But you're God!"
*shrug*  "That's too much like work, too.  Listen, if I really wanted to make lists of who did what, would I make Heaven or Hell such a simple proposition?"

"And that is...?"
"If they believe in me, they're in.  If they don't, they go to Hell.  I don't give a crap about all those individual sins.  I wait until a critical mass of sinning pisses me off then I send a tornado or earthquake or plague to tell them all to straighten up."

"Or a Great Flood.  What did all those animals do to deserve drowning?"
"Hey, listen.  I'm God.  I make up the rules.  I spared a few of each species to kickstart the recovery."

"Some animals probably died in the tornadoes too."
"Yeah, probably.  Hey, I miss the days when they'd get barbecued for me at the Temple.  That was some good eatin'.  The ninnies thought that Jesus was supposed to substitute for that, but could I eat my own son?  THEY'RE not supposed to eat the sacrifice, the priests and I get it all.  But that's for another day."

"Another 'act of God' you mean?"
"I'm trying to decide.  I mean, tornadoes & earthquakes are getting old hat.  And you humans are getting too good at sanitation and vaccination for my plague trick."

"You're God, can't you overcome those minor obstacles?"
"heh heh  just keep overusing anti-bacterial soap and you'll see..."

"See what?"
"heh heh my ways are mysterious.  Well, gotta book it. A little kid just got hit by a car and his whole family are praying for him."

"You're going to cure him?"
"Hell no, I'm going to give him a raging infection that will slowly kill him after he 'miraculously' survives emergency surgery.  I love those switcheroos.  Gotta get my laughs somewhere since Seinfeld was cancelled."


ex-minister1 said...

You can tell God is a man cause his aim ain't so good.

krissthesexyatheist said...

That funny i was just thinking about how no one is equating Gawd to the tornado's-n-stuff. God is American-blame proof. If a disaster happens somewhere else, then it is their godlessness. If a disaster happens here, then it is a test...or it's President Obama's fault. Regardless, ya can't blame God. Awesome


Tai said...

huh. I never thought to point out that this may be southern America's punishment - good point! ^_-

I've been more focused on the ridiculousness of the mindset in general that OUR current times are the absolute WORST times, therefore it MUST be the end of the world!

I say ...really?? all you have to do is take a little peek back into history. Sure, they won't FEEL as bad to you since you didn't experience it personally, but that doesn't lessen the intensity of the situation ... oyy! So childish! & they call atheists self-centered ... >.<

Oh - hi there and nice blog, btw. ^_^

LadyAtheist said...

ty Tai.

Yes, God has terrible aim, though he did manage a direct hit on the cathedral at Christchurch, NZ and he took out a few churches last week. You'd think he'd at least try not to wreck his own houses!

I wonder if Fred Phelps will show up with God Hates Fags signs at some of the funerals. These people need ANSWERS! He'll provide them!

ex-minister1 said...

You are so right that we have Phelps to tell us what God is thinking. Nearly 7 billion people for god to pick from and fred is the ONE.

Infidel753 said...

Random natural disasters are God's way of punishing people for being dumb enough to believe in him.

I imagine Phelps will be staying out of the South for a while. Aside from the pwning he got in Mississippi recently, there's the risk of becoming collateral damage from one of those divine temper tantrums.

Chatpilot said...

Christianity is all about the blame game. You are all a bunch of low life sinning scum bag and you deserve everything you get! If you did not get healed at the tent revival it was because you were not right with God. If your prayers are answered coincidentally it was the Lord oh praise his holy name! Christians are a bunch of self centered, self righteous pricks.But you really can't blame them, they just believe all of the nonsense they have been taught without a thought.

LadyAtheist said...

You get your payback in life when it suits them and in the afterlife when it suits them. They never notice their own inconsistencies, probably because they are so practiced in ignoring the inconsistencies of the bible

Arkham said...

You're gloating over the deaths of many people that you didn't know while making assumptions about who they were and what they believed, how cute. What you're not doing is making fun of the ridiculous evangelicals; you're making a mockery of yourself.
Just so you know, there's this thing known as tact. It may serve you well to learn what that is, as I can tell that you don't at all understand that the odiousness of Pat Robertson is largely due to his lack thereof (his stupidity notwithstanding).

LadyAtheist said...

No, I'm making fun of the hypocrisy of so-called "Christians" who blamed Japan's tsunami on their atheism.

Sorceror said...

You could also say this demonstrates the hypocrisy of all those thinking God is on their side in the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Arkham said...

"What you're not doing is making fun of the ridiculous evangelicals"

That was my key statement, maybe you skimmed too fast to miss the word not.

Arkham said...

Skimmed so fast, etc. Oh well, syntax shit happens.


Skepticat said...

Since I am from the area in Mississippi that was hit hardest, I can assure you that 90+ percent of the victims are evangelical Christians and hard-core Republicans.

I've heard two people claim that the tornadoes were God's wrath on these people for their sin. Everyone else is too busy congratulating themselves about how God spared them because he still had plans for their life.

I've tucked all this nonsense away for the most part so I can do the little that I can to help. But yes, the stupid is out in droves, and those ideas are not immune from criticism no matter what the circumstances. Sometimes humor is the best way to deal with it.

LadyAtheist said...

You have my sympathies - both for living in that region and for enduring the storm.

I've endured many natural disasters and I find the god talk positively nauseating. It's a corollary of damning by faint praise ... or something. "God had plans for me... but he was finished with that 6-year-old and the mother of those six kids and the son of the old lady down the street who will now have to move into a nursing home because she relied on him to take care of her....

yeah, blessed be the survivors *gag*