Why? Because I can.
First, the good awards:
Woman of the Year: Candy Crowley for smacking down Mitt Romney in the debates.
Girl of the Year: Malala Yusafsai
Man of the Year: Last-minute winner is Joe Biden, for knocking heads in Congress today
Boy of the Year: Sorry, can't think of one. Any ideas?
Religion of the Year: Mormonism, because it became "mainstream" this year
Event of the Year: Indian public bus rape-murder
Puppet of the year: Big Bird. Geoff Peterson was a shoo-in until Big Bird got a mention in the presidential debates. Keep working at it, Geoff! You've come a long way, dude! Just lay off the booze and you'll be fine.
Song of the year: Gangnam Style, of course!
Video of the year: The 47% video. It may have changed history
Shoe of the year: Yves Saint Laurent's red shoe with the red sole. Suck it, Christian Louboutin. Maybe you can start worrying about women who get shot in the face for going to school or raped and killed for riding a bus instead of whether someone else puts a red sole on a pump now.
Meme of the year: Fresco Jesus
Now the other awards:
Douche of the year: NRA's Wayne Lapierre
Fool of the year: Mitt Romney
Dumbass of the year: How to choose? how to choose? It has to be Todd Akin, but Mourdock is a close runner-up. Oh wait, Karl Rove. No, every member of Westboro Baptist Church. *sigh* Let's just call 2012 the Year of the Dumbass.
Ignorant harpie of the year: Michele Bachmann
Loser of the year: Honey Boo-Boo, who will look back on her show years later and cry
Disaster of the year: The Mayan Apocalypse. It was off by 500 years or so. They failed to see Cortez coming & got the date wrong!
Thugs of the year: the creeps who raped a woman on a city bus in India.
Sports team of the year: m'eh who cares? It's just a game. Which game? They're all just games! Why do people care about sports???? It's not like it matters who wins, unlike Project Runway.